More Wondering, Less Wandering

October 4, 2007
Kaffe Klatch Kafe, Fairfax CA

Want to say thanks to all who have posted comments on this blog. It is a treat for me, as if your energy and caring are concretely apparent and available to me on this journey. THANKS!

I had a long hike planned for today. It was a really special hike, so it's a big deal that I have chosen instead to take the day to relax, reflect, and write. I am realizing how useful it is for me to write as a way to slow down and connect with something deeper inside me. I have always known that to be the case, but somehow the meaning of it is sinking in, in a new way...

So, I'm thinking that part of my packing so much into the past few days has been out of excitement as well as needing to learn the lay of the land, as I am certainly out of my element. Camping is a joy, but everything takes longer than I expect. I think again that the lesson here is that the busyness of life can trip me up on a campsite in the redwoods as easily as it can living my pace and commitments at home.Maybe staying so busy is about not letting myself be in touch with whatever part of me is missing the familiarity and routine of my life, not to mention my loved ones. Maybe it is an avoidance of what I hoped to at least get a glimpse of during this time away... Maybe it is just part of this natural rhythm that I seem so determined to nail down, and understand. Some part of me believes that if only I could really do that, that I could come to accept myself in a fuller way, not always feeling that I just can't quite make the mark.

Ok, so let's explore that avenue of understanding. If my rhythm is full steam ahead, pack in as much as I can, alternating with let down, fatigue, and feeling that either I should be doing more, or that I should be doing less, that feels like I never get to be truly content. That I'm always striving to get more done, in order to take time to get less done. Feels like a vicious cycle of distraction from what could be more deeply meaningful. But what would that be?Slowing down too much leaves me judging myself as lazy, wasting "my potential" (whatever that is), and down. Keeping too busy feels energizing to a point, then I crash and burn. That's when I advise myself, so wisely, that I need to find a better balance. But what if this is my balance? What if this is as good as it gets, and I'm missing the boat by not simply accepting it, accepting myself, and this sine wave rhythm that apparently fits?

Perhaps I could practice mindfully and consciously full speed ahead, followed by the screeching halt, as wholly as possible. Quit trying to refine, fix, balance, and simply accept? That feels challenging! Apparently I'm much more familiar with the tinkering of my life, as if there is some perfect recipe and that if I follow it the ups and downs will even out. Do I really want that? I don't know, but am grateful for the time to ponder...