I’m Off…

5am Sunday Sept 30, 2007

Well, sitting in a Days Inn by the side of the highway in Barstow California feeling a mixture of things. Sort of sleepy, despite a warm bath, hearing the sounds of the highway outside. A little nostalgic, as I plan the next part of my trip. Thinking about heading all the way over to the coast, and then heading up Hwy 1 through places that were a vital pat of my life 25 or so years ago…
Yesterday was interesting. It seemed like it took longer than I wanted to actually hit the road. Ted looked so sad, yet loving in the driveway as I pulled out. That man has given me so much through the years. His rock steady love is ballast for me to head out on this journey.
While the part that wants to be solo, on the road, has always been there, Ted has helped me to learn the importance of relying on myself, and at times, putting my own desires first. It’s too easy for me to dodge behind caring for the needs of others. Part of the goal for this journey is letting the pull to focus on the other go, and being in touch with what’s true and right for me, in any given moment.
I have often talked about how it is that I put others’ needs ahead of my own, but it’s harder to admit that actually it is a preference. This journey is about going somewhere I don’t often allow. Being just with me, or maybe more, relying just on me. In order to do that, I have to be face to face with what is going on in my heart and mind at any given time, not influenced by those around me. That isn’t always very comfortable. I’m really much better at anticipating and responding to what is going on for another.

Yesterday taught me that being alone means doing it all on my own. No copilot to read ahead on the map and anticipate what’s next. If I forget to clean the windshield when stopping for gas, no one to remind me, and that means another stop. Blow a fuse, find out where they are, which one it is, find a place to purchase one, and replace it. Small things, but they eat up time.
I kept having to fight the sense that I had to make time, as if I were on a tight schedule. Granted, there are some things I want to do on this trip, and some others that I have a commitment to, but the whole idea is to be spontaneous, in the moment, real time with just me. Habits!
I had the wrong exit in my mind last night, and overshot my planned campground. The place, southeastern California desert, was fairly desolate and isolated. I think I was glad that I overshot it, as I was a bit fearful about staying there.
I was actually fearful all day yesterday. At least, whenever I got out of my van. I was surveying, wondering if people were sizing me up, determining that I was a woman traveling alone, and therefore an easy target. It even felt that way last night when I checked in to my room at the motel. I considered leaving, but the woman in the office assured me that I was safe, and even called to check on me.
I feel sort of foolish that I’m scared. On the other hand, how can I not be wary? Part of me says, well if something bad is going to happen, it’s going to happen. I know it’s important to be cautious, but I want to believe that most people are good. I guess that I believe that bad things can happen even if I’m being careful. It’s the randomness that holds me captive.
Anyway, I hope this nagging fear settles down, as I’d prefer not to have it hovering around everything I do for the next few weeks…I really do believe that this is a reasonable journey, that life is about taking risks, and that in the grand scheme of things, this isn't all that risky! So, I’m off…